A Little Advice

Yesterday, one of our readers commented on an early post of ours. She is new to D/s and was asking for advice about how to safely approach a new relationship. After both Daddy and I responded to her question, we realized that we had never written a “what to watch for” post before. I suppose that this is due to the fact that neither of us regards our blog as an advice column, yet if we think about those in our special corner of the Blogosphere who may be new to the lifestyle, then perhaps there are times when some sound advice is warranted. So, in the spirit of sharing and of creating a better, safer community for all of us, here is part of the advice/exchange that we shared with our reader. We hope you enjoy it!

“Hello Babygirl! I am currently speaking with a Dom online and on the phone and I am new to the D/s lifestyle. Is there any advice you could give me to assure that I move into this lifestyle safely?”

To which Daddy responded as follows: “I'll be interested to see what baby girl has to say on this topic.

From my standpoint, I'd say that after talking with a number of submissive girls online, and meeting a few in person, there are many men out there who are... well, pretend Doms is what I'd say. Wannabe Doms. And you want to avoid them for all sorts of reasons. The obvious question is, how do you tell them? A few clues come to mind:

- Talking to you like you're a doormat. You're not. Being submissive -- even being a slave -- doesn't take away your humanity. Any decent Dom wants to understand at a profound level what his sub's or slave's wants and needs are before he can possibly think about denying them. To do otherwise is to put the cart before the horse.

- Disrespecting you in any way. I think baby girl would tell you that while I may slap her, beat her, and otherwise do as I wish with her, I never disrespect her. There's a difference and a Dom who doesn't know it is bad news.

- Expecting you to submit immediately. Any good Dom knows that a submissive or slave worth having is worth working for. We expect the best subs to move cautiously with us and test us to see if we're worthy of commanding or owning them. If a prospective Dom is saying things like, "Call me Sir, slut!" on, say, the first phone call, just hang up and never call back.

Those are some thoughts from my side. As noted, I'll be curious to read what baby girl has to say.

Good luck, and keep us posted, okay? -- Daddy”

And to this I added: “I’m so glad that you’ve found our site and thank you for your question! :) First and foremost, I would like to echo what Daddy has already said – any sort of disrespect or desire to move too quickly into an intense D/s relationship are warning signs and are definitely to be avoided!

From my perspective, there are two fundamental ideas to always keep in mind – safety and honesty.

Safety – Regardless of whether you have found a prospective Dom on a D/s themed website or chat forum or you found him on something as innocuous as match.com or the like, you should always keep your safety securely in mind. Are you giving away personal information that you are uncomfortable giving? Is this person asking you to do things that you are uncomfortable with? (Of course, part of many D/s relationships is engaging in activities that may be difficult for us, as submissives, to grapple with, yet they are always safe, sane, and consensual!) Do you feel that the Dom in question is too eager to control every aspect of your life, without asking for your input or your limits? If so, you may be in dangerous territory! Please use your instincts and protect yourself at all costs. As Daddy said, any Dom worth having is also one who will work with you in order to achieve a solid D/s balance that both of you are happy with.

Honesty – First of all, you need to be honest with yourself about your needs and desires when entering into a D/s relationship. What are your hard limits (things you would never be able to do)? Your soft limits (things that you may not like the sound of, but would be willing to try)? Are you looking for a 24/7 sort of relationship in which all aspects of your life, from wardrobe choices and household chores to sex and submission, are controlled by your Dom? Are you looking for a D/s relationship only in the bedroom? If you’re not sure what you’re looking for or what you’re interested in, please do a bit of research! There are plenty of great blogs out there with a wide variety of interests and D/s dynamics – there are no two D/s relationships that are the same! Once you are aware of what you are looking for, it will be much easier for you to find a Dom who fits your needs.

Also, as far as honesty goes, if you feel that your Dom is not being truthful in all matters or you’ve found that part of his story does not match up with the facts, please go back to my first point about safety. If he’s not being honest with you, he is most likely hiding something and he doesn’t deserve your honesty. You should keep looking.

I hope that our advice has been helpful! Please let us know if you have any further questions or concerns and we’ll do our best to help out! Best of luck in your search!”

Of course, Daddy and I don’t consider ourselves the foremost experts on this subject, but We met online, we have always taken a straightforward, honest approach to our relationship, and it has brought us nothing but happiness! :)