26 May 2010

A Little Advice

Yesterday, one of our readers commented on an early post of ours. She is new to D/s and was asking for advice about how to safely approach a new relationship. After both Daddy and I responded to her question, we realized that we had never written a “what to watch for” post before. I suppose that this is due to the fact that neither of us regards our blog as an advice column, yet if we think about those in our special corner of the Blogosphere who may be new to the lifestyle, then perhaps there are times when some sound advice is warranted. So, in the spirit of sharing and of creating a better, safer community for all of us, here is part of the advice/exchange that we shared with our reader. We hope you enjoy it!

“Hello Babygirl! I am currently speaking with a Dom online and on the phone and I am new to the D/s lifestyle. Is there any advice you could give me to assure that I move into this lifestyle safely?”

To which Daddy responded as follows: “I'll be interested to see what baby girl has to say on this topic.

From my standpoint, I'd say that after talking with a number of submissive girls online, and meeting a few in person, there are many men out there who are... well, pretend Doms is what I'd say. Wannabe Doms. And you want to avoid them for all sorts of reasons. The obvious question is, how do you tell them? A few clues come to mind:

- Talking to you like you're a doormat. You're not. Being submissive -- even being a slave -- doesn't take away your humanity. Any decent Dom wants to understand at a profound level what his sub's or slave's wants and needs are before he can possibly think about denying them. To do otherwise is to put the cart before the horse.

- Disrespecting you in any way. I think baby girl would tell you that while I may slap her, beat her, and otherwise do as I wish with her, I never disrespect her. There's a difference and a Dom who doesn't know it is bad news.

- Expecting you to submit immediately. Any good Dom knows that a submissive or slave worth having is worth working for. We expect the best subs to move cautiously with us and test us to see if we're worthy of commanding or owning them. If a prospective Dom is saying things like, "Call me Sir, slut!" on, say, the first phone call, just hang up and never call back.

Those are some thoughts from my side. As noted, I'll be curious to read what baby girl has to say.

Good luck, and keep us posted, okay? -- Daddy”

And to this I added: “I’m so glad that you’ve found our site and thank you for your question! :) First and foremost, I would like to echo what Daddy has already said – any sort of disrespect or desire to move too quickly into an intense D/s relationship are warning signs and are definitely to be avoided!

From my perspective, there are two fundamental ideas to always keep in mind – safety and honesty.

Safety – Regardless of whether you have found a prospective Dom on a D/s themed website or chat forum or you found him on something as innocuous as match.com or the like, you should always keep your safety securely in mind. Are you giving away personal information that you are uncomfortable giving? Is this person asking you to do things that you are uncomfortable with? (Of course, part of many D/s relationships is engaging in activities that may be difficult for us, as submissives, to grapple with, yet they are always safe, sane, and consensual!) Do you feel that the Dom in question is too eager to control every aspect of your life, without asking for your input or your limits? If so, you may be in dangerous territory! Please use your instincts and protect yourself at all costs. As Daddy said, any Dom worth having is also one who will work with you in order to achieve a solid D/s balance that both of you are happy with.

Honesty – First of all, you need to be honest with yourself about your needs and desires when entering into a D/s relationship. What are your hard limits (things you would never be able to do)? Your soft limits (things that you may not like the sound of, but would be willing to try)? Are you looking for a 24/7 sort of relationship in which all aspects of your life, from wardrobe choices and household chores to sex and submission, are controlled by your Dom? Are you looking for a D/s relationship only in the bedroom? If you’re not sure what you’re looking for or what you’re interested in, please do a bit of research! There are plenty of great blogs out there with a wide variety of interests and D/s dynamics – there are no two D/s relationships that are the same! Once you are aware of what you are looking for, it will be much easier for you to find a Dom who fits your needs.

Also, as far as honesty goes, if you feel that your Dom is not being truthful in all matters or you’ve found that part of his story does not match up with the facts, please go back to my first point about safety. If he’s not being honest with you, he is most likely hiding something and he doesn’t deserve your honesty. You should keep looking.

I hope that our advice has been helpful! Please let us know if you have any further questions or concerns and we’ll do our best to help out! Best of luck in your search!”

Of course, Daddy and I don’t consider ourselves the foremost experts on this subject, but We met online, we have always taken a straightforward, honest approach to our relationship, and it has brought us nothing but happiness! :)


  1. Very good post, thank you.
    I can't see myself as a dom. I can top, but more than that may be stretching it. I have a lot of respect for any one I am with, and I'm not sure I can do what a dom has to do.
    I'm probably more the sub type.
    Thanks for the info.

  2. To my dear blogger frineds Baby Girl & Daddy...This is a wonderful subject to write about. This is good advice for new or expirenced subs and Doms.

    The two of you always show a good example of the D/s lifestyle. Baby Girl always lifts my spirts and turns on my imagination... your relationship with Daddy should set the standard.


  3. I just recently found your blog and enjoy reading your posts very much. :)

    I have had both a very good and a very bad experience meeting dominant men online, and to add just one bit of advice (if you don't mind), I'd have to say that it is super important to trust your instincts when it comes to meeting a prospective dom. If you feel like something isn't right, or you get that feeling in your gut that is trying to tell you to slow down, do it. It's easy to get so wrapped up in the excitement of finding a potential new partner that you might start to ignore feelings that might usually set alarm bells ringing.

    I hope you don't mind me adding my two cents. :) I look forward to continuing to read your blog.


  4. Hello Daddy and His Baby Girl,
    You gave good common sense advice. I hope you don't mind if I share these links for your reader(s).

    The Submissive Guide is a good general resource but I especially wanted to share the writings about safety & warning signs. Part 1 and Part 2

    Also, Leather and Roses is a good resource for all D/s and bdsm folks. Specifically geared toward this post is this table of contents: Finding a Partner


  5. Hi again,

    Thanks so much for your prompt responses. I feel much more comfortable with your answers and advice. I GREATLY appreciate it all. Thanks again!


  6. GREAT advice!! thanks posting this...

    B wrote an amazing piece that's on our blog called "For New(ish) Girls: Finding That First Dom." He posted in November and it contains wonderful advice for newbies :) (I wish i knew how to link it here...I'm not that computer savvy).

    Anywho, just thought I'd throw that in. It's always great to have a bunch of different resources!

    xoxo, M

  7. Very good advice... I think this topic is definitely one that needs to be widespread. Most bad relationships start because new subs (and even Doms) don't take the time to learn about the lifestyle... what they like and don't like... what they're interested in... and simple basic safety regarding meeting people on the internet. Worst of all, they don't take time to get to know the other person before getting involved with them... and many new subs actually believe they have to submit to anyone calling themselves a Dom/me, which is totally untrue.

    I tend to focus on these topics on my blogs quite often, but then I've seen so many girls end up in really bad situations. In fact, there's one girl in particular who disappeared rather suddenly and I still wonder whether she is alive or dead. It's serious stuff... people have to realize that their safety is their responsibility all the time. Just because someone claims to be a dominant doesn't mean that person is interested in your safety or well-being.

    Great post!



  8. good sound advice Baby girl! you can never be too careful, i esp want to emphasise the part about trusting your own instincts!
    -hugs Alujna

  9. Very good advice. I think a sub should be as cautious as a vanilla women meeting a man online. Get to know him online well before you meet him. Don't fall big time for him before you meet. And have the first date in a public place and just do coffee. Don't go to his place or yours on the first date. (I know many vanilla women do but's my advice).

    And have a couple more public dates to help you make up your mind. And go with your gut. Women tend to instinctive about these things. And for a d/s lifestyle, make sure he knows what he's doing and respects you. Have a safe word at least at first. Discuss limits. Discuss deal breakers. Coummunicate.

    And then if everything goes well, enjoy.


  10. Missy n' B - I read the post you referenced...VERY GOOD!!! Thank you! I am the one who sparked this post on safety and I am glad I did because now I have read even more about the lifestyle and I feel so much more confident about entering it. Thank you all for all the advice. I will definitely keep reading and now I am going to follow a few more blogs.

    As mentioned before I am new to the 'scene' and I am in contact with a Dom. With all the info you all have given me I am getting a warm/fuzzy vibe from him as he has not requested I call him anything particular, he has answered all my questions as you all have, and he has steered me toward websites, books, and other subs to gets more info.

    Thankyou sooooo much!


  11. Baby girl, you and your Daddy give great advice. :) I met my Master online and we are still long distance (until Sept 1st!!! ) but He and I entered into our relationship so open and honest that it was staggering to both of us really. He never forced me to call Him Master, I wanted to because, to me, he WAS and has always been my Master and it has progressed into Him being my Daddy as well.

    The same thing applies with limits and stuff. Although I have no limits within my relationship with Him, He was poly when we met, and never once did He demand I accept that. My acceptance of anything and everything He wants came from deep inside me.

    When you have honesty, trust, and respect as your foundations... you can end up with something unbelievably intimate and special. :) It is wonderful, isn't it?

  12. To each and every one of you who has taken the time to write in and share their experiences and advice, both Daddy and I sincerely thank you!!! By sharing what we've learned in our own relationships (both good and bad), we can help those who are just starting out to form their own safe, sane, and consensual relationships.

    Thanks again, all!! You're the best! :)

    Take care,
    Baby Girl :)