I'm currently working on writing a novel.
A salacious, smutty, deliciously dirty novel about a D/s couple, to be exact.
While I've written hundreds (perhaps thousands) of essays, reports and the like in the tenure of my academic and professional careers, this novel is a departure for me. And although I consider myself a confident, accomplished, intelligent writer, the thought of sharing my novel with the world scares the living shit out of me.
The inevitable "what ifs" have started creeping in... What if nobody likes it? What if it's terrible? What if this years-long project turns out to be a gigantic waste of time and effort? What if I fail? (Funny how the "what ifs" rarely include scenarios of tremendous success and praise, isn't it?)
I guess the long and the short of what I'm trying to communicate here is that I'm afraid of failure - always have been and always will be. I want to be great at everything I set my mind to - my submission, my marriage, my career...and my novel. Logically, I know that I have to work through my fears, push my own limits and be afraid to fail. After all, I'd love to have people read my book and to then be responsible for the inevitable subsequent global shut-down due to an epidemic of raging hard-ons and throbbing clits.
But alas, in order for that to happen, I would have to have the stones to publish the damn thing, wouldn't I? Curses...
I'm not really looking for encouragement and I'll be sure to reach out for advice regarding publishing at some point (if/when I get to that point), but right now, I suppose I just wanted to give you all a quick glimpse inside my head to see how frustrating those damned what ifs can be.