12 September 2010

Sex as Communication

Any mature, responsible couple who has weathered a few storms (and perhaps a few failed relationships) knows that sex cannot be the crux of the partnership. As wonderful as sex can be (and boy, can it be wonderful!), there is simply no feasible way to shag 24 hours a day…I should know, I wrote the definitive work on the subject for my honor’s thesis at the John Holmes Academy of Deep Dicking. ;)

Ok, maybe not… But you get my point, right?? When it comes to D/s, we all need to establish a balance that works for our specific partnership – a formula of sorts that helps to ensure enduring happiness. In addition to mind-blowing, toe-curling sex sessions and Domination/submission scenes that would make the cast and crew over at kink.com sweat through their leather, we may also need nurturing, personal and professional fulfillment, alone time, family togetherness, travel and exploration…the list could go on. Yet at the bottom of all this, there needs to exist a solid base of communication and understanding. Yes, I know that I’ve railed against communication in the past, but, in my defense, I was taking issue with the use of “communication” (or the lack thereof) as a hackneyed, pseudo-psychoanalytical catch-all for relationship problems rather than with communication in and of itself. But I digress!

The main goal of this post is to look at sex as a non-verbal communication tool for couples. My inclination is to believe that D/s couples tend to use sex for communication more often and more effectively than vanilla couples. This conclusion is based on the assumption that, generally, D/s relationships evolve under stricter and more explicit sexual parameters. Regardless of when the D/s aspect of the partnership entered the picture – some start a new relationship with the full understanding that they are entering into a D/s partnership and yet others discover their dominant or submissive leanings later in life and attempt to adjust their relationships accordingly – sex and communicating one’s desires are never far from the picture. But, the question remains…can sex itself be used to communicate or is it a closely related by-product of successful verbal communication between partners? Let’s look at a couple examples…

We’ve all heard of (and have probably engaged in!) “make-up” sex. This is a big one in the vanilla world. The argument has died down, you’re willing to concede on a few points, both of you have made some comments that you wish you could take back, a couple sheepish “I’m sorries” are exchanged…and before you know it, you’re ripping each other’s clothes off and going for the ride of your life in the sack. Even rodeos and amusement parks don’t feature this much action! So what just happened there? Communication through sex. As a standard, it can be difficult for us to admit we were wrong and to face up to the awful things we’ve said or done. There are certain ineffable, intangible factors in a relationship that spoken communication cannot bridge. But when both partners hit the threshold of hurt and then push beyond it to find themselves once again, make-up sex can be the most effective way to close the gap between you and to move on together. Yes, there still may be some lingering hurt feelings, but the sex itself as a communication tool lets both partners know that they’re on the path to moving beyond the argument.

For my second example, I’d like to take a look at some sexual communication from a D/s perspective (and primarily from Daddy’s and my perspective, although I’m sure that many of you will have no trouble identifying!). We stir in the morning light. Before a word is spoken, he is on top of me, forcing his way inside of me. It hurts so deeply that the sensations border on acute pleasure. This is where we both need to be…this is where we belong. Sex as The Great Communicator has once again spoken loud and clear – “You are mine to do whatever I wish.” When one hand wraps around my throat and the other covers my nose and mouth, the message is even clearer – “Everything you have and everything you are belongs to me, even the air that you breathe. You will never know a time when you are not owned completely by me.” It’s hard to argue with that sort of communication…and I love “hearing” it.

Although, I fear that the question still remains… Is sex itself (in all of its manifestations) a communicative tool that we can depend upon? Or is it that we are able to share effective non-verbal communication through sex because we have previously verbalized our needs, wants, fears, and desires?

Unfortunately, I don’t have an answer for you right now…this was a sort of “food for thought” blog entry! Thanks for making it all the way through this somewhat unwieldy post - I’d love to hear any thoughts that you have!


  1. I get this completely. I have been mulling this very subject over for a few weeks now! He and I had been --arguing is the best word I can come up with here, although it's not entirely accurate-- a lot, and we couldn't really figure out why. There was just general unrest and uneasiness between us, and it was wearing us down. I can admit that most of the fault lies with me and my attitude. Then one night we had this epiphany of sorts.

    We were laying in bed, and He said, "I think our problems would be easier to solve if we would fuck more." Don't get me wrong, we fuck a lot! :) But stress and life and kids and work get in the way of a daily thing for us sometimes (*pouts*). It was as if a lightbulb came on over my head when He said that though!

    I just kinda started talking after that, and realized that we communicate so well that way. Our connection is very visceral and chemical, so we make the most sense when we are wrapped up in something carnal and natural like mating. I had a blast with that conversation!

    We realized that if my mouth is full of His cock when I get sad or upset, I can't talk back. If I'm too busy moaning and screaming and begging to cum, I can't throw a fit. He, of course, loved the idea. Then I felt kinda silly that we hadn't thought of it before.

    So, based on all that, I think sex can be an excellent form of communication. I think you strip away all the extras when you are just connected like that. There isn't room for all the day-to-day and the stress and the worry. It is just two people, wrapped up in love and adoration for each other.

    I think you are right that it is even more true for us D/s folks. While sex isn't the center of everything, and we of course don't just fuck like rabbits all the time, sensuality is very much a part of almost all that we do. We pour little bits of love into all that involves us. Something as simple as making a pot of coffee can be seen as an act of service and therefore sensual and loving. So that sensual side of us is more awake and more aware. And I think that is where our true intentions and feelings really are.

    The same is true for vanilla couples. Those deep feelings of lust and love and passion and connection are there for them too. They just don't manifest the way they do for us. So we can see the communication happening a little easier. We are more accepting of it, too. We aren't as reserved and closed off to out sexual and sensual desires as some vanilla folk tend to be.

    I'm not saying that all vanilla couples are like that, of course. I've just noticed the difference just in my own house. He and I are two thirds of a triad, and are the only two that share the D/s connection. So I can see the way that it is different. I can see He and I melding in a way that they don't, that she and I don't. It's not bad, really, it's just different.

    I am so glad you have noticed this too! I would love to talk more about it, Baby Girl! :)

  2. OOOOOH I am so with this. I can be petulant, a bit down, grumpy or just tired and without a word ("communication") he can grab me, push me on my knees and force his cock down my throat. He puts me exactly where I need to be - out of "control" but totally in my space. Loved adored and used.

    Last night (middle of the night at some point - definitely dark, I was deeply asleep) he roused me by grabbing my hair and forcing me down onto my cock. I actually needed to sleep but more than that, he needed me to suck him. And it was lovely.

    The method of communication is kind of immaterial - it's the result that is so ground-breakingly amazing :-)


  3. Absolutely. I loved the comments above, and agree fully with how they put it! I can be having a completely off day, which I happen to be having today :P, but I know that when Daddy gets a hold of me, he will most likely put me over his knee, and then take me however he feels is fitting for the moment. For not handling things so far today in a way that I know I should have.

    A hand full of hair, a gentle or strong kiss, a smack on the ass - if you think about those, or any other thing we do sexually, especially in the D's world.. they could all have a definition of some sort of communication or emotion.

    Wonderful post!

    babygirl cricket xo

  4. wow, i never looked at it that way...very good post! it does make sense though, to be used as a non-verbal form of commmunication. While Master and i are only online for the time being, i do know that after any session He makes sure to talk with me and i find it easier to talk (especially if session was painful).

  5. This was a very thought provoking post and, yes, I think sex is a strong part of the communication between a couple.


  6. I understand exactly what you are speaking to in this post.

    The early mornings with no words. Just fucking. Cause Master must be inside of me first thing.

    And I find that somehow, the communication that happens during sex defies words. We speak deeply to each others' souls. Strange and hard to describe.

    Absolutely. Communication without words.

  7. Babygirl, your posts are wonderful. My husband and I are enjoying them very much. We are beginning to talk about his taking a much more dominant role, and while I feel that I would like to be pushed and my boundaries expanded, I know we also have to be safe...so we have established a safe word. My fear for myself is that I will wimp out and use it to escape having those limits broken, and I don't want to do that - I want him to push me hard. Do you have any advice?

  8. Here's my comment: Where the hell are you???

    Miss you, girl,

  9. Great post! It's rewarding working on those "next levels" of submission isn't it? We'd get bored if we didn't continue to develop. You can do it!!

  10. What to say? This is lovely!

    Love Varney.

  11. These kind of post are always inspiring and I prefer to read quality content so I happy to find many good point here in the post, writing is simply great, thank you for the post

  12. Implosion????

  13. Perfect communication between two people is then, when verbal and non verbal language says the same.Yummy blog! Thanks for giving out your creative mind’s eye.

  14. Have your nights become monotonous repetition of same activity? Are you going through the same mechanical touchings and kissing? Do you end your discussions only with emotional and professional aspects? Are you one among those people who shudder to talk about that secret passion to your partner? Here it is time for you to understand the role of spicy talks for a enjoyable sexual relationship.

  15. Great sex can make a marriage sing. Sex, although only one component of marriage, is an important way for most couples to express their love. Great sex also happens to be a stress reliever and a way for married people to feel connected to one another. But great sex doesn’t happen overnight. Even though sex is usually fun for couples, it takes communication, effort, and, yes, practice to achieve great sex. Here, the steps to a great sex life

  16. Many people believe that a spicy communication will make the sexual experience worse. They may consider asking their partner about sex will be the most rude thing they can do. The communication can be rude if you ask for sexual interaction all of sudden in a monotonous language. However there is nothing like a seductive that can keep your passion burning. Master the art of seductive communication and boost your sexual relationship.

  17. sex as communication .
    show how much ur love and enjoy
    ur love to ur partner

  18. I guess it is a best way to communicate and determine the connection between the two of you and a great tool to keep the fire burning.

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  19. Could you tell us why you stopped blogging.