3 weeks ago
12 September 2010
Sex as Communication
Any mature, responsible couple who has weathered a few storms (and perhaps a few failed relationships) knows that sex cannot be the crux of the partnership. As wonderful as sex can be (and boy, can it be wonderful!), there is simply no feasible way to shag 24 hours a day…I should know, I wrote the definitive work on the subject for my honor’s thesis at the John Holmes Academy of Deep Dicking. ;)
Ok, maybe not… But you get my point, right?? When it comes to D/s, we all need to establish a balance that works for our specific partnership – a formula of sorts that helps to ensure enduring happiness. In addition to mind-blowing, toe-curling sex sessions and Domination/submission scenes that would make the cast and crew over at kink.com sweat through their leather, we may also need nurturing, personal and professional fulfillment, alone time, family togetherness, travel and exploration…the list could go on. Yet at the bottom of all this, there needs to exist a solid base of communication and understanding. Yes, I know that I’ve railed against communication in the past, but, in my defense, I was taking issue with the use of “communication” (or the lack thereof) as a hackneyed, pseudo-psychoanalytical catch-all for relationship problems rather than with communication in and of itself. But I digress!
The main goal of this post is to look at sex as a non-verbal communication tool for couples. My inclination is to believe that D/s couples tend to use sex for communication more often and more effectively than vanilla couples. This conclusion is based on the assumption that, generally, D/s relationships evolve under stricter and more explicit sexual parameters. Regardless of when the D/s aspect of the partnership entered the picture – some start a new relationship with the full understanding that they are entering into a D/s partnership and yet others discover their dominant or submissive leanings later in life and attempt to adjust their relationships accordingly – sex and communicating one’s desires are never far from the picture. But, the question remains…can sex itself be used to communicate or is it a closely related by-product of successful verbal communication between partners? Let’s look at a couple examples…
We’ve all heard of (and have probably engaged in!) “make-up” sex. This is a big one in the vanilla world. The argument has died down, you’re willing to concede on a few points, both of you have made some comments that you wish you could take back, a couple sheepish “I’m sorries” are exchanged…and before you know it, you’re ripping each other’s clothes off and going for the ride of your life in the sack. Even rodeos and amusement parks don’t feature this much action! So what just happened there? Communication through sex. As a standard, it can be difficult for us to admit we were wrong and to face up to the awful things we’ve said or done. There are certain ineffable, intangible factors in a relationship that spoken communication cannot bridge. But when both partners hit the threshold of hurt and then push beyond it to find themselves once again, make-up sex can be the most effective way to close the gap between you and to move on together. Yes, there still may be some lingering hurt feelings, but the sex itself as a communication tool lets both partners know that they’re on the path to moving beyond the argument.
For my second example, I’d like to take a look at some sexual communication from a D/s perspective (and primarily from Daddy’s and my perspective, although I’m sure that many of you will have no trouble identifying!). We stir in the morning light. Before a word is spoken, he is on top of me, forcing his way inside of me. It hurts so deeply that the sensations border on acute pleasure. This is where we both need to be…this is where we belong. Sex as The Great Communicator has once again spoken loud and clear – “You are mine to do whatever I wish.” When one hand wraps around my throat and the other covers my nose and mouth, the message is even clearer – “Everything you have and everything you are belongs to me, even the air that you breathe. You will never know a time when you are not owned completely by me.” It’s hard to argue with that sort of communication…and I love “hearing” it.
Although, I fear that the question still remains… Is sex itself (in all of its manifestations) a communicative tool that we can depend upon? Or is it that we are able to share effective non-verbal communication through sex because we have previously verbalized our needs, wants, fears, and desires?
Unfortunately, I don’t have an answer for you right now…this was a sort of “food for thought” blog entry! Thanks for making it all the way through this somewhat unwieldy post - I’d love to hear any thoughts that you have!